Been There, Done That

Words of wisdom from parents who've been there and done that!

Q: Is dressing sleazy too easy?

Love the uniforms.. Khaki pants and collared shirts bring many parents peace-of-mind. But what clothing is worn after school hours can disrupt the all important 'peace in the home'.

What message does clothing send? Remember the 'Dress for Success' of the 1980's and how important the conservative suit, bow tie and well-polished shoes were to a woman's perceived business success. It's true today that your dress is a reflection of your very own personal style and beliefs.

If that's the case, what message do tight jeans, low-cut tops and bare midriffs reflect?

Girls are increasingly hit with a steady diet of products that pressure them to be sexy. Think about it... Barbie is a toy of choice for many preschoolers. Beyonce has her own clothing line..... including sizes for toddlers. No wonder some dress the way they do. By the time they hit their teen years, our young women have been inundated with thongs peeking through their low-cut jeans and push-up bras to the point where dressing like this is acceptable.

Who's to Blame?

It's easy to throw up your arms and say it's all the fault of the media.. How can I stop it? First of all, take a look at what messages are entering our homes.

• Is your TV turned to 'Jersey Shore' where Snookie's fashion statement may be more of an 'invitation'?
• Do you exercise your parental veto power when shopping with or paying for your teen.s clothing purchases?
• Does your own clothing style reflect the modesty that you would like your teen to model?

Don't let our pop culture define our daughters and convince them that they amount to nothing more than a sum of their parts. Empower our children (both female and male) that God's standard, not culture, is the true standard for real beauty.

Q: Is your teenager on the 'Teenage Treadmill'? Is Your Chatard Student Overcommitted? Out of Balance? Stressed?

These are common questions for any parent of a teenager. It is very easy for teens to hop on the 'Teenage Treadmill' of extracurricular activities including clubs, sports, and hanging out with friends. Throw in a part-time job, coupled with schoolwork and you have a recipe for overload!

In order to help your teen avoid the pitfalls associated with their busy lifestyle, it is important to set clear expectations of them. Occasional, well-timed, BRIEF conversations may be all it takes to keep them from making poor decisions. Here are some ideas to start the ball rolling!

• School work/studying is always first. This is the easiest to monitor because their grades tell you the entire story. Nuff said!
• Help pare down the list of extracurriculars. Some activities may be more important TO them, rather than FOR them. Your teen will place a higher value on time spent with friends than their part-time job. If you have made it clear that a job is a requirement, then allowing them to skip work to attend a party doesn't keep expectations in line. Decide if each activity will better prepare them for life after Chatard, and give priority to the ones that do.
• Watch how they interact with family members at home. Are they always asleep upstairs? Do they take frustrations out on siblings? When they are up late during the week, is it because of studying or because of texting and Facebook? Watch for these red flags and remind them of your expectations. Nagging may be your only choice but will pay off in the long run!!

Q: Is your teenager struggling to manage study time effectively? Has the 'ho-hum' of winter settled unto your child's study habits? Here are few parental suggestions to gently 'nudge' your teen:

Let's begin with a basic definition of time management. Time management is the task of taking a large goal and breaking it down into an easily manageable task.

For most teens it is useful to have some sort of organizational system. This might be a paper planner or accordion file. Or you may prefer to use a software program or online time management software to help you map out the plan.

While there may be no one-size-fits all planning system, a popular idea from the Franklin Covey company is to prioritize your tasks into "must do," "should do," and "would be nice to do" categories, then number them in order of importance. When you start to work on your tasks, you follow the tasks in sequential order, based on the importance that you previously assigned.

To assist in task completion, high school age students should have both short and long term goals, along with a plan for completing the goals. For example, a short-term goal may be to complete a paper assignment for one class. The tasks related to this may be researching the topic, outlining the paper, writing the paper, and editing the paper. If the long term plan divides the process into small tasks and allows a period of a week or two for completion, your teen won't be rushing through it the night before it's due.

It's often hard for teens to stay focused on school work because there are so many distractions -- Internet, friends, TV and games, to name a few. One strategy to help a teen stay focused on schoolwork is the Pomodoro Technique, created by Francesco Cirillo.

To follow this technique,:

1. Set a timer for a set period. The usual time is 25 minutes. During that time, you must remain focused on your tasks.
2. When the timer goes off, you should stop, even if you could finish the task in just a few more minutes. You can then take a five-minute break before starting another 25-minute work session.
3. After taking four 25-minute sessions, the student can take a longer break.

This technique helps you to remain hyper-focused while working. Many teens find they are able to accomplish more in a shorter period of time. The reward of a brief break serves as motivation to focus!

Organization, goal setting, task commitment..these are all steps in the development of positive life-long habits. They are all qualities that can be gently encouraged and supported by a parent.

Q: What would you do if ??? We all know some parent/child conversations can be difficult, but initiate dialogue periodically to keep the communication lines open. You might start by saying, 'If you find yourself in a difficult situation, what would you can do if....?'. Ask your child what ideas they might have. Parents and kids can establish a "code call."

For example: a parent receives a call from their child two times in a row with an immediate hang up. The child can do this with a cell phone in their pocket or purse. The parent calls the child back and tells them they must come home immediately due to a "family situation" and asks where they can pick up the child. "Code call" means parents pick up kids with no questions asked, not then, not later. Families can use this system anytime, and it gives a safe option for kids.

One scenario where we need to be particularly proactive involves drinking and driving. Parents need to be aware that drinking does occur in many social settings. We need good strategies to help teens keep themselves and others safe.

What can I do if I do not want to get in a car where the driver has been drinking?

• You could act like you forgot something; code call or text message a responsible adult.
• Say you forgot you had a different ride and code call.
• Offer to drive.
• Say you are feeling ill and you don.t want to throw up in anyone.s car so you are going to call for a ride from a parent or sibling.

With each of these examples it is also important to make sure the impaired driver doesn't drive. This is difficult, but necessary. After getting out of the car a teen can solicit help from friends, seek out an adult, or find a friend who hasn't been drinking that can drive. The key is to not let an impaired driver drive. Some parents don't allow sleepovers once children receive their driver's license to eliminate any risky evening driving. Make your own rules with your teen, but keep talking. The more conversations, the better.

Q: Feeling a little left out? Does your teenager act like the world is coming to an end with even the smallest inquiry? You are not alone! Many of us are kicking ourselves for wishing away the days when we thought those kids would never stop talking. Well, that's all changed and now we want to get them talking again. How do we go about that?

We need to be ready and willing to listen when they are ready to talk. This means abandoning what is on our agenda and letting them lead us to what is on theirs, at that moment, on their time. Stop what you are doing, put the paper down, turn off the TV, and offer full attention. Use active listening, which entails eye contact, open posturing, nodding, smiling and leaning into the conversation.

To make sure you understand and are getting the message they intend to send, paraphrase and ask for clarification if needed. Be quick to assure them you are on their side. Be slow to give advice, if at all. Try not to pass judgment or point out mistakes. If this must be done, choose another time as not to discourage them from opening up to you.

Be careful of interruptions. Move yourselves to a better location if possible. Let the phone go unanswered. Don't allow siblings to interrupt. Children often get brushed aside as their siblings. needs appear more immediate. Rarely is this actually the case, and there is a good chance this .moment of opportunity. will be gone after you tend to another.

Good conversations may present themselves .sideways.. For example, the two of you are alone in the car and something comes up (a question, something you both see, etc.) that can steer you toward more in depth conversation. Look for these opportunities and take them!!! Another bonus: your teenager knows this trip isn't going to last forever. He or she knows once you reach your destination, the conversation will be most likely end too. They may be more willing to share.

Q: Is there such a thing as a 'practical' gift that teens actually want to see under the Christmas tree?

With iPods, iPhones, the latest gaming stations and YES.. even cars on teenagers' holiday wish list, what's a parent to do?

Resoundingly, gift cards are a parent's best ally. Among the most popular with teens are iTune cards, cinema cards, dining cards and those from their favorite clothing store (Hollister, American Eagle, Dick's Sporting Goods etc.). Another gift card to consider is a gas card. Be forewarned, one teen used a gas station gift card to fill up on slushies and not regular unleaded as his parents had hoped.

Why not use holiday gift giving to get your teen moving? Try giving a gift certificate for ice skating at the Pepsi Coliseum, bowling, rock climbing, or ski lift tickets at one of southern Indiana's ski slopes.

Parents of seniors may have it easier than most. With college just around the corner, seniors' needs and wants may be more practical... bedding, linens, pillows and dorm room decor offer solid gift giving solutions. Also consider a 'Cush' Top lap desk, great for using a laptop PC from the comfort of their beds ($26.00 at BestBuy.com).

However you decide to fill your teen's stocking, just know that they already have the greatest gift... You!

Please note: The advice in this column is provided as a service by the BCHS Parents in Touch committee. It is intended merely as advice gleaned through experience of parents of high school students.